What She Found in Silence

Alright. I’ll just say it. All the stories I told you when we hung out—they are all kinda bullshit.

Screw it; they aren’t kinda bullshit. They are bullshit. You know the ones. All that stuff I told you about why I do what I do for a living. The stories about my fundamental values in life.

The crap about my profound beliefs and discoveries. Those are the ones—that stuff I say about compassion, empathy, celebrating difference, and promoting acceptance. All of this is a load of crap.

Also, those touching stories I share on Facebook with life lessons, all the things I’ve written over the years, all those damn cards and poems. Yep—all bullshit. I will tell you about this stuff until I’m blue in the face, but in terms of really being that person in real life, yep… bullshit. I give so many likes for this stuff online that my thumb is fucking stuck in the Up position. When I realized how annoying it is to see my thumb actually misconfigured, I knew it’s time to fess up.

I’m not saying that I don’t believe in the concepts of compassion and acceptance. I’m just telling you that if I ever talked about it, I was passing on a recycled idea. I never really knew what the hell I was talking about the whole time. I thought I did, but in all honesty, I like most others, simply don’t know how to practice it with someone who is emotionally exhausting. I really just don’t have the time or patience for that kind of person.

If you feel that any of this sounds horrible, I’m just being honest. I mean, who the hell can REALLY live like that—give a damn all the time, you know?

Screw you if you find offense. You often feel this way too, and I know it. I’m just finally talking about it.

I think it will thrill you to hear me say that I’m going to reveal my biggest secret that you already know....

I love pretense. Who woulda thunk it, huh?

Don’t fool me. I know you know this already. Why? Because you don’t know how to give a damn all the time, either. You don’t have the fucking time or patience to always practice compassion and acceptance just like me, at least not for everyone.

If you wonder if the story is even worth reading any further, I think you are asking a pretty good question! If nothing else, it might be interesting to see me admit that I’m not that “nice person” I pretend to be.

Now, if any of you are thinking to yourselves that this is just my way to start a good short story, don’t fool yourself. Unfortunately, I wasted enough of your time in the past giving you stories and posing to be a nice person. It is time I tell you a TRUE story.

It isn’t all flowery, and it isn’t sweet.

I want to tell you about how fucking cathartic it felt when I chose to no longer associate with a friend instead of trying to help her. If you really know me, you know it takes a really annoying person to push me to feel this way. She was the person who just had too much emotional baggage. You know, the person I am talking about, the person who is just emotionally exhausting, struggling all the time.

Anyway, here goes.

It was about 8 years ago that she started telling me about her “pain”. This part didn’t bother me at all. But, through the years of our friendship, all I ever heard about was how much she struggled. The turning point occurred when she came to me and said, “Catherine, I am so unhappy. How will I ever find happiness?”

Now I’ve been pretty good at giving advice in the past, but this time I was surprised, was speechless, and put off. It quickly struck me that her question affected me because there was nothing I could say; I literally did not have her answer. I was surprised at how irritated her question made me. I was always the one that people turned to for advice, and this time I had nothing.

This may surprise you, but I actually thought in my head, “What kind of fucked-up question is that?” Where the hell was her mind?! Didn’t she know that if anybody would love an answer to that question, it would be me!

I never really experienced being annoyed by someone so quickly with one damn question. How many times did my family and friends ask me if I could be a resource to someone who needed help? Never to where it annoyed me. I was always happy to offer an idea or something if desired. I was always happy to offer my time if someone needed me to just listen. That stuff never bothered me. And, let me tell ya, I received a gazillion zinger questions, comments, and commands in my line of work from people who were experiencing true hardship. I usually knew how to be supportive.

This time, I had nothing. I hated that had no ability to redirect, ignore, or handle someone in a moment of true suffering. I think this may have been when I felt I didn’t like her. Only in hindsight do I see I started hating her because she hit my Achilles tendon; I was not familiar with not having an answer. I was not familiar with not knowing how to help someone in need. She reminded me I didn’t have all the answers and made me think if I had any answers at all.

Through time she kept asking me her question over and over. How do you find happiness? It became really uncomfortable for me. I finally did not want to hear it or deal with it. I felt like such an ass and no friend at all, so for a long time I pretended to be a friend. When she asked to hang out, I forced myself to spend some time with her. I cannot express what I felt around her. I really cared for her, but I also felt repulsed to be with her. Eventually, I hated everything about our friendship.

She asked me what to do about her condition, about her constant sadness. She expressed that she really needed her pain to go away. Her ability to find healing was getting further and further out of her reach as she went in circles. She kept defining herself by her limitations. This last part was hard for me because I knew her to be strong and smarter than this.

She didn’t see it, but she was clearly creating her own reality. I watched with great sadness as she turned to many specialists, religions, friends, self-help books, medications, and more. She never turned to herself. I knew her enough to know that she never learned to love herself; this was her major roadblock. Because of this, she eventually lost sight of all of her abilities, talents and passions. Looking only at her pain, her vision got so clouded that she could not even see her own beauty. It was horrible. So horrible I knew I didn’t want to be with her anymore.

I wondered if she ever let herself really feel her own pain. Like most others, I had a type of suffering. I learned something from my own struggles; if she stopped fighting to get rid of her present experience, she might find some sort of peace. In my opinion, she did not realize how much she could learn if she just stopped trying to push it all away. Her pain had important things to tell her, and it was so obvious that she refused to listen. I had a lot of resources I could suggest to her from where I worked—therapists, doctors, etc. There were many possibilities as to what she could do to improve her health. Despite this, my gut felt that in this case she should first DO NOTHING.

So, eventually, all I did when I was with her was hold her hand and say nothing. By doing this and not saying anything, I tried to help her notice her thoughts and feelings without the need to act on them or identify with them. But even this did not help.

I watched her pain intensify to where she lost a lot in her life. She became estranged from others who loved her. She lost all connection with herself. She stopped doing anything she loved. It got to where she became unable to do much at all - at work, at home, in all aspects of life.

The worst part for me was when I noticed that she no longer knew how to laugh. I hardly ever saw her smile, and her gaze was usually serious. She told me that nothing gave her pleasure and as a result she did nothing, again acting on her feelings. She said it made her feel better. Because you cannot give what you do not have, she could not love her husband and her family in the ways she wanted; ultimately, even they became tormented by her pain, convinced that something really serious was wrong and would never go away.

It was awful and heartbreaking to watch all of this. At one point, after hanging out with her and really seeing how much I didn’t know how to help her, I came home and cried. I knew she was truly suffering and I could do little about it. I saw clearly why she lost contact with many people; her stories were always the same. When she talked, the depth of her pain was hard to hear. It caused me pain to just hear it and I eventually thought it best to just avoid her.

So, I purposely lost contact with her. A long time passed, and though it is embarrassing to admit this, I forgot about her. I forgot about her suffering. I just let it go and was glad. I no longer had to think about that damn question of how to find happiness. It felt good to no longer have to think about all that suffering all the time. It felt good to just let go.

But then I ran into her unexpectedly. It had been a long time. When I saw her, it surprised me at how much hesitation I had at the thought of talking with her. When she saw me, she paused too, and it was very awkward. Unsure if I should open the whole can of worms, I asked her how she was doing and what had been going on. She didn’t talk right away and asked me to tell her first how I was doing. This was the first sign that something might have changed about her.

After I caught her up to speed with my stuff, she asked if I had time to sit down and chat a bit. I literally felt all my muscles tighten, and I had a feeling of dread. I even thought about making an excuse and saying that I had to go.

I sat down anyway.

She started sharing personal things, but this time when she did, I didn’t feel as awkward or as uncomfortable as it did in the past. Something about her was calm, open, friendly, and engaging.

She said that recently she realized where to go, what to do, and what to believe.

Unfortunately, I was convinced that it was going to be an annoying conversation, so I said nothing. I was curious, but I definitely didn’t want to feed into her previous nature to get my feedback or advice.

After she made that first comment, she paused again. I noticed clearly that there was more levity about her, more hope in her eyes, and less of a desire to rush around. I stayed quiet, reminding myself to listen, be patient, not give opinions, and all other things I learned from interacting with her in the past.

After that pause, she let herself speak freely and was totally comfortable when talking. Because her energy was so peaceful, I actually wanted to listen, and I heard myself saying to her I wanted to know more about how she was doing.

She told me she recently she went through some very hard times, but this time, things seemed to help. She explained that the first improvement occurred when she allowed herself to deeply mourn how hard life was for her. It caused her to cry often. She said she mourned for such a long time that it felt healing. She said that in the time that passed since we had not seen each other, many people gave their opinions about how she could find happiness. She said she had so much advice that she found it completely confusing and she started to not listen to any of the advice.

Again, there was a pause, and I became even more interested in hearing what she had to say.

She told me that sometimes she chose to just sit in silence. Apparently, when she did this, certain things resonated with her. The silence allowed her to identify what advice was wise and what was not. I didn’t understand what she meant by this. When I asked, she explained that when in silence she could connect with what she felt she was looking for the whole time. It was shocking to hear how something “clicked” when she took the time to pause and be still.

I asked what sort of stuff it was that clicked.

She told me that through the years there were a very few wise individuals that touched her life. They said things she needed to hear. She turned to books that said things that made her feel the same way. But somehow, she never truly processed that information. She explained she focused so much on finding a solution that she never listened or paid attention. That is until she sat with herself in silence.

I seemed to understand and thought I could actually learn a lot from what she was saying.

She talked a lot, but it was not like her previous speech. She was not talking to me; she was talking with me. I learned she became really humbled, knowing how many of her life choices were misguided. Without hesitation or shame, she admitted that she often blamed her struggles on other people or things through the years. Because this was hard for her, she let herself mourn over this too. Reflecting on her life, she really had a hard time accepting all of this. Finally, she forgave herself and saw more clearly that she had caused a lot of her own suffering.

I was thrilled, especially when she said at one point she had to let go of all things and people that weighed her down over the years. An important part of her healing was to forgive others, too.

She kept talking, and her insights actually mesmerized me. She explained that, with great effort and choice, she finally took time to look around herself. When she did this, she realized she had missed a lot of beautiful things. Though this too was really hard to know and accept, she knew she had to move on. I was curious about what led to her acceptance and was really excited to hear her say, “I found it by allowing myself to feel my pain.” I wasn’t excited just because this was my gut reaction at the beginning; I was most happy that she could discover this herself.

She then looked at me as if to ask a question. I was angry at myself because I again felt my muscles tighten and felt the desire to turn away. I tried to be patient, though. And, because I took the time to stay and listen, I remember what she said exactly.

She stated, “I feel a glimmer of contentment because I now accept myself and others. I made amends with the past. I look forward to the beauty to come”.

I was really relieved and proud that she didn’t ask me a question. It thrilled me to hear her hopeful statement. It seemed like all was great news.

Unexpectedly, though, a conflicted look came across her eyes and she said in a sad tone, “Catherine, I feel like I’m living for the first time. But, I still don’t know who I am. I’ve accepted a lot, but I feel like I have lost a huge part of my life. Now that I’m starting over, I want somehow to love myself.” I intentionally paused, letting her feel the importance of her last comments.

After a long time of just sitting in each other’s presence, I looked at her with an authentic and genuine smile. I told her I was extremely glad to hear everything she was saying to me, including her last comment. This was the right time for me to speak, as I felt I had something to say. I asked her if she had some more time to talk with me and, unlike in the past, it was her body that showed she wanted to listen. As I enjoyed her more peaceful energy, this is what I shared:

“It is extremely valuable to feel weak, afraid, unsure, or faced with the unknown. By experiencing this, it forced you to discover how truly capable and resilient you really are. One never truly feels ready to proceed in life. Instead of thinking so much about what to do next, how to learn to love yourself, just go ahead and just BE. Now is your time to live, explore, take in the world. I want you to remember that there is no right path. You will continue to make mistakes along the way, but just allow them to just guide you in future choices. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, even if it feels uncomfortable. Your struggles have actually given you much wisdom. Let that wisdom guide you. It is an important part of who you are.”

I continued, “When you look in the mirror, maybe it will help to smile, even if it is not what you want to do or if it feels foreign. Turn to ANYTHING that will make you laugh. Don’t be afraid if others think what you choose to help you laugh is odd …. Dance down the street if you must, be totally silly or weird, play with kids, allow yourself to be quirky…. just BE. Find how fun it is to consider how absurd life can be… really! If one takes life so seriously without a bit of levity, life can be more of a burden than anything. I really like that you asked me what was going on with me. Continue to ask others how THEY are doing. Mean it when you say it and follow through with intention.”

I paused, took a deep breath, and then said, “While you do all of this, keep those beautiful eyes wide open to the beauty that surrounds you. Applaud yourself much and try your best not to seek approval from others. Just be who you are without caring what others think. Trust me, I totally get that these things are difficult for anyone; if anyone knows this, it is me! The more you do some of this, when you look in the mirror, your smile may not be as forced because you will be happy by your discoveries, choices and actions. In time, I think you may see how beautiful we all feel you are, but this time you will see it from your own perspective. In my very humble opinion, I feel certain you will learn then how to love yourself again.”

I paused because I was almost about to cry. I looked at her and asked her to look directly at me and really hear this part…

“I really want you to take a second to take in the true happiness I have for how far you have come since I’ve seen you last. I want you to really believe me when I say that I feel certain a bright future lies ahead. I am so thrilled for you. Live the life you created! We should keep in touch. I want to see you more. I know I haven’t been the best friend over the years, but you have always been very close to my heart. Please promise me we’ll spend more time together. And, please, accept my apology that I haven’t known how to be more supportive.”

It was so emotional at that moment that it moved me to actual tears. I took her hand and looked at her and really felt myself holding my friend’s hand. We were sitting there and crying together, to where we finally started laughing.

We realized we had been sitting there for a long time and we both had to move on with our day. Ready to move on, we headed to the bathroom to blow our noses and wipe our eyes.

Oddly enough, we ended our conversation in the bathroom.

We were still laughing and wiping our eyes when it happened.

I saw her look in the mirror. Our reflection caught each other’s at the same moment and I really took her in. I looked into those eyes and, for the first time, I felt in some distant and confusing way that I actually felt love for her. After all the years of repugnance and inability to be compassionate, I felt I knew how to be her friend. And, reflected, was a sense of love that I had never really experienced before.